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I Hear Tidings of… India Weaponizing Chili, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Slowly Ending and Glenn Beck Getting Owned!

24 Mar 2010

  • CHILI: In northeast India, “bhut jolokia,” or “ghost chili,” is being weaponized into tear gas-like hand grenades for military use. Don’t laugh – being 1000 times spicier than the hottest Tobasco sauce, the Guinness record-winning chili will either blind you or cause the most gruesome diarrhea.
  • DON’T ASK: According to a source, Defense Secretary Robert Gates will make an announcement this week on changes to the highly contested policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” which will make it “more difficult to begin investigations and kick people out.”
  • EXONERATED: CNN has published a fascinating article about a man who served 16 years for a murder he did not commit. Having been released just last month, he writes about the changed world. Among the new additions to his life: family, DVDs and Facebook (“neat but a waste of time”).

  • GLENN: Glenn Beck certainly has been getting smashed in the media recently. Earlier this week Daily Show host Jon Stewart skewered the conservative talk show host by spoofing the absurdism of his fake blackboard lectures. Avatar director James Cameron was next in line, calling Beck at a news conference “dangerous” and “poisonous,” especially referring to the pundit’s denial of global warming.
  • KIM JONG-IL: According to South Korean intelligence reports, North Korean dictator is reportedly suffering from “chronic kidney failure,” and, like Osama Bin Laden, will require dialysis. Seriously, how hard is it to take out two of the world’s most evil men when they’re wheeling machines around with them all the time?

  • LIFESAVER: James Harrison of Australia, who vowed to regularly donate blood after receiving a life-saving transfusion which saved his life, has a special antibody to ward against a fatal form of anemia. It is estimated Harrison’s donations over 56 years have saved over 2 million babies.
  • POSTRACIAL: “Listen up, Buckwheat.” High school teacher Corey Poitier, the lone Republican seeking to fill the district seat being vacated by Rep. Kendrick Meek (D-Fl), addressed these words to President Obama at a recent health care reform meeting. Buckwheat was a name given to a black character in Hollywood’s early Little Rascal movie shorts. It’s okay, though, because 1) our society is so postracial now and 2) Poitier himself is black.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. 6 Apr 2010 7:41 AM

    The Wire is hands down the best thing that ever graced television.

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